its been a while..this is real life.

stop consider reflect...to much on my mind...
first things first.
WORSHIP- my desire to see the Lord do a refining work in my heart, my idol factory that needs to be destroyed each moment each day, He is worthy, and i was created to worship; thankfulness, faith that He's trustworthy...talking with Him...rawness. real. thats worship. beautiful

second thought- my burden for the kids on my bus has grown...yet i don't have freedom to talk to them about the Lord, today i did try.. i heard two of my elementary kids talking about God, the world, creation, Jesus, what happens when we die... my heart rejoiced to hear them talking..but then i heard their theology...their perspective is being shaped by 'religion' of dos and don't...i started talking to one of the girls about Jesus..i told her "i love Jesus too"..she said "oh we cant talk about this"...and i said "your allowed to talk about it and ask questions" then she said "i go to church school and in april i get to have my first communion"...i said "oh thats really neat"...[i hope i don't loose my job]....i hate religion...a system that is not of true faith, hope and love is of the devil ...fact. i hate it. i cry for the kids of this nation, so much potential, they have freedom to ask questions, but they don't and expectations for kids are so, so incredibly low..  all they want is to see kids barely pass each grade and keep them off the streets and away from drugs... my middle school kids talk about drugs alot...they are searching and no one is holding them to a standard hirer then that which would lead them to doing drugs..
burdened. i want to tell them i care about them and i'm proud of them for doing well on my bus. they behave really well..compared to some that is.. if one would want to see totally depravity, come ride my bus. but these kids are great, and alot of them need to be loved.. i missed two days of work and they were so, sooo happy to have me back. now thats very special:)
kids. i love them. so many are abused and lack the love that they were created to know and need. God take me to places where you can love kids through me. anywhere. i'll go.

third thought- servant, not a "leader"..not special cause i'm on 'leadership', no it means being a servant, humility - God change my perspective of the people around me, of each member of the body of Christ, they are precious and beautiful and important, treasured by you,,,love them through me.

fourth thought- i ran into my old co-worker's mom, she told me her daughter thought id stopped being her friend because she got pregnant out of wedlock.... if that didn't make me stop and re evaluate my priorities then i don't know what could.. oh how i must make things right with her.. 'cause that never was my thought ever...life got to too busy after i left working in the deli.. i must see her, she just lives down the street. i want to talk her a baby basket of gifts. she's having her baby real soon and doesnt have alot of money

thought number five- life's going to get busy soon, all my roommates will be getting here, i want to start this semester well...last semester was rough, very raw experiences, learning... . ONLY by the grace of God can i finish this chapter in this place well. each day is in the hands of the one i worship, the One i love, He will do great things. He will refine and humble my ever so prideful heart, He's faithful to discipline and shape the ones He loves... this is precious, when things are very hard this is what i must be reminded of...when really neat things happen He is the only One i can point to.

last thought- i cherish my family and am so thankful for the special, short time i got to have with them; they support we 100% and pray for me all the time..that's something not many people have...thanks God.

hospitality.

"Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." Romans 12.13

This verse came to mind this morning when my mom asked me if i was ready to work hard to clean the house for the guests that came tonight... my initial reaction in my head was, nooo... we keep having guests over and ive helped so much already since being home..

Yet its my parents joy to open our home to people... to bless them with a meal and a time to swim...ever since i can remember its always been their joy. I grew up asking "is anyone coming over for dinner tonight?" :) even though we had to work hard i still loved it!

Conclusion, hospitality takes work, yet it is still more blessed to give then to receive and i pray some day when i have my own home that i too would make that extra step, be okay with a longer 'to-do' list so that i can practice hospitality.  

(post that's been sitting as a draft for too long)

simple joys

Give Thanks, that is what the Lord tells us to do, no matter what...in all circumstances.

As i so easily slip into thoughts about me, my dreams and what i want, i loose sight of the the things my Father is blessing with me this very day. I'll call them simple joys. Those things i must not hold to closely but offer back up to my God who has showered me with so many blessings. He is the One to be thanked. He is the One to be praised. He is Sovereign to save, to bless, to draw lost to Himself, to comfort, to allow, to disciple those He loves, to answer prayer... this is a comfort.
to HIM, my beautiful Savior, i offer these simple joys:

gluten free muffins from my mum
making Thai curry with my dear brother
cleaning the house with wonderful music playing
spending time with my highschool Bible study leader
hearing my co-worker talk about Christ at work in Her life
children at vacation bible school with big genuine smiles
hugs
getting to see my niece's face on my phone background ALL the time:)
talking with my wise father
watching my brother and his girlfriend build a lizard cage in the back yard
absentmindedly almost putting laundry soap in the fridge! oops
vacation bible school songs that talk about the beautiful characteristics of my Lord
reading others blogs.. God's teaching so many
praying for my mom as she's with my grandparents
a bag of marshmallows..:)
a healing bee sting
driving in a hot car, for some reason i love absorbing the heat with the windows down
feeling the pain of so many hurting in this world and knowing He has a plan
12 days left at home sweet home.
sun setting
Pandora: Sovereign Grace Music radio station

stop.

looking here and there to those close and far
can even one of them meet my needs today
they love me yet i'm not satisfied, not yet
my mind occupies only thoughts of me
down down down...this spiral goes


patiently One is waiting yet to any other i would love to run
physical arms and audible words is what i'm looking for
His gentle hand is plucking away what i think i need
stop. He whispers.
that list you have and all your desires, i know them, He says
just stop.


for this day look to no other
the One who waits for my wondering heart
He is gentle, forgiving and kind
He is all satisfying
to those who cross my path, do they see Him
to those who i miss; they come and go
i entrust to Him


today i stop. listen and wait.
a master piece is what He calls me
to the One whom i belong i ask,
"prepare me for the desires of my heart,
for in this You are most glorified"

http://www.redletterwords.com

living in the moment

photo i look. i love it. its still ... and the shape reminds me of the Trinity.

living in the moment is something i struggle to do.
being home from school...loving being home..i love my family with all my heart...but knowing i'll be back to a busy schedule soon far away is hard.

today i went back to my home church. it was so fun seeing familiar faces that i love and hearing the word of God taught. yet something seemed so off...i realized i wasn't living in the moment. Instead of thanking the Lord for the opportunity to be back i became sad at seeing changes and feeling like an outsider in a place i had invested so much of my heart into. Instead of asking the Lord to bring opportunities to bless and be blessed by the body of Christ I just wanted to leave.... or i wanted to stay. but stay for good.

again and again it gives me such comfort to know this world is not our home.
Oh may the reality of eternity impact ever moment here...every choice. every reaction i have to any given situation the Lord puts me in.
being selfish causes me to miss out on so much.. God isn't limited by the fact that my focus is off...He continues to draw people to Himself..i just miss out on the blessing of being a part of my Father's Master piece.

it might not just be that i struggle to live in the moment, but i struggle to live in the moment with my eyes fixed on Jesus... yes this is what i long for.

This song was sung in church today and it always edifies my soul.
Before the throne of God Above: Charitie L. Bancroft, 1863.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,
My perfect spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace,
One in Himself I cannot die.
My soul is purchased by His blood,
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ my Savior and my God!

i can't.

how to die to self...so that self is gone..so that my faith can be selfless??

i can't muster up being a Christian wonder-woman on my own.. i can't convince myself to constantly do the 'right ' thing. i can't come up with creative conversation starters every time i'm with someone. i can't faithfully pray when i should. i can't act honestly in every circumstance with my own will.

why i think i can come up with a strategic plan to make it to the mission field and love lost people and lead them to Christ when i can't even do the dishes every day with a happy spirit unto the Lord...

no i can't. 

again Pauls words remind me 

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (gal 2:20)

i found comfort in this quote: "When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety." AW Tozer

thoughts with no conclusion..just resting in Christ's perfect peace.

 HE IS FAITHFUL TO DO A WORK IN ME!

Whatever it takes...Father never stop ridding of 'self'! burn on roots in my life that are not digging into You...Oh that everyone who crosses my path would see You, come to know You and Glorify You! amen. 

gumbled thoughts:My prayer is to be Intentional

roommates- sisters- friends (Photo: Bree Ammerman)

                     

Intentional- This is one thought or conviction rooted from an accumulation of many thoughts, conversations and prayers. As I talk with other Believers ive been challenged to think through how the Spirit is revealing my lack of intentionality in the way I act with others. With one sister we talked about looking at Christ’s life because His actions are the very definition of being intentional... He was so compassionate, perfectly selfless, and generous with both physical and spiritual needs. The very heartbeat behind everything He said and did was flawless love. Paul tells the Corinth church;

 “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ (1Cor11:1 )” 

Imitate Christ… wow.

Christ’s intentional love was not comfortable.

Living 24/7 with believers (in a dorm) makes it easy to brush off the necessity of loving each other. Tasks have taken over and become the only agenda we have. What a dangerous place to be…my attitude says, “ I like to see people when I want to and I put up a ‘busy’ wall when I don’t”. For a while now I see a pattern of only talking or encouraging when I deem it of importance and saying nothing if I am to ‘lazy’ or don’t care. No one is making an effort to bless me so why should I bless others.

The point being made is I cannot love intentionally if I am focused on me.

Love with faith. At the very end of Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church he says these very powerful words:  

 Peace be to the brothers, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible.  (Eph. 6:23-24)

What does it mean to love with faith? This faith is from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ; and it produces love in and through us. When we submit to Christ in us it is His love that penetrates out. This is the source of intentional love. This love does not disappoint and cause us hurt or make us require something in return.  Loving in faith is not easy but it is rewarding as you learn to tap into the endless flow of Christ’s love toward everyone.

As Christ works in and through me it is becoming more and more evident when I am being intentional and not...the peace of God begins to lead my actions. This time away from scheduled classes and as work as come to an end for the summer; every bit of my heart desires to serve the Lord; to not be lazy or indulge in strictly selfish actions. Again and again I pray that the Lord might push me out of my comfort zone and put me in places where I must rely fully on Him to intentionally love and speak truth. I pray He continues to bring me to a place where I am not comfortable but I am completely overcome with His peace and leading.

Romans 12:9-16

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

               

 Is God’s story [the GOSPEL] WORTHY TO BE INTENTIONAL about?

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.  Rom 1:16 

The Gospel of Christ is Leading...

           A life that is comfortable and well ordered is what America’s culture speaks of as being the norm. Having grown up over in Pakistan, relatively speaking my life was not marked with suffering. I cling to what is comfortable. Comfortable for me is home, the nearness and wisdom of my parents, and the protection of my brothers. I have been loved deeply; I don’t know what deep rejection looks like or what true persecution feels like. Paul’s life was marked by suffering. I’ve read Acts and Paul’s letters many times, but I continually look over the intense suffering and pain that he faced. Pain is not comfortable. Specifically looking at Paul’s address to the Ephesian church elders in Acts 20 I have been challenged in many personal ways.

Paul had spent three years in Ephesus serving the Lord by ministering to the body of Christ there and faithfully teaching. He reminds the Ephesian elders that this was not an easy task for him. The Jews had caused him much suffering by plotting against him. He faced humility and tears. During Paul’s time in Ephesus and in any other place he worked hard to provide for his own physical needs. What Paul remembered in all his actions was what Christ said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive”. These are all things the Lord has been challenging me with in these days. Recently I hit a wall spiritually and couldn’t identify what was getting me so discouraged and causing such disunity with those around me. Yet as I have been seeking the Lord He graciously has shown me that the heart beat behind all that I’m doing has not been in inline with Him. I have been overwhelmingly selfish in every aspect of my life and I’ve made no effort to serve the body of Christ around me. No wonder there has been such a lack of joy; I have not sought to serve others even if it means sacrifice on my part. Who am I to even think I have anything to sacrifice for it is all Christ’s and for Him and His glory.

The warning that Paul gives to the Ephesian elders is to “Be on guard”. He tells them that there will be spiritual attacks. They are to watch out for people who will seek to cause disunity and bring in false teaching. Paul had taken the time to teach them the whole counsel of God so that they knew what truth was. As a believer it is my responsibility to know the scriptures and to walk in sync with the Holy Spirits leading so that I don’t fall under the influence of false teaching. Our enemy longs to cause disunity and uses disagreements about the Word of God to tare fellowships apart. This is something that must be kept in mind no matter where I’m serving the Lord. It is so important to pray also for those who are shepherding the flocks of believers that they too stay very aware of false teaching.

How did Paul value his life? He valued it as nothing. Despite the fact that He knew the Spirit would lead him to Jerusalem where he would face chains and affliction he longed to finish the course and ministry Christ had assigned for Him. As believers we face this deep inward battle between self and walking in step with God. I know not where the Lord will take me but I long for Him to take me to the Muslim world. My prayer is that I can serve Him with complete surrender. I value my life, I cling to people around me, and I selfishly find ways to get what I want. May God burn all of that away so that I too can walk in the ministry of “testifying to the gospel of God’s grace”. By His grace is he refines me, He is faithful to answer my prayer to prepare me for the road He will call me to walk down. Oh that I might not cling so tightly to comfort and people but only cling tightly to my Savior. Serving Him will bring brokenness, pain, and even chains.

             Paul’s love for the body of Christ caused him to continually face painful farewells. This is something I’ve faced many times growing up. Often they have been farewells when I didn’t know if I’d ever cross paths with friends again. As believers we have the comfort of spending eternity together. Also within Paul’s life, because of his love for the body it led him to have very intimate prayers for his brothers and sisters. The beauty of Christ is found in these times of weeping. He identifies with this pain and it reveals the intimate bond we have in Christ.

               Pain is temporary, though I haven’t experienced intense pain as Paul did I see the extreme importance of asking that the Lord prepare me for whatever pain He will call me to walk through. The Lord has led me glean from Paul’s teaching to the Ephesian leaders about his ministry and how they too should conduct themselves. Having an eternal perspective was the wind that blew Paul’s sails. God is continuing to teach me, break me, and prepare me for what will come next. He knows my every need and longs to see me rooted in His sufficient love.

 Lord, my heart is not haughty,
Nor my eyes lofty.
Neither do I concern myself with great matters,
Nor with things too profound for me.

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul,
Like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 131

truth shared in chapel this past week... how often we do set our mind on great matters that are to profound for us to think about...this leads to anxiety and distrust in the Lord...
A weaned child no longer is seeking for milk from his mother so he can just rest in her arms... 

Oh Lord i long to rest against you, not anxious to know the unknown but to find my hope being rooted deep into You.. take the thoughts from me that aren't honoring to You... help me to learn that despite my emotions Your promise remain; may i find joy in the fact that the unknowns are Known by You...BE My Hope. Be my resting place. Calm and quiet my soul. Amen

contentment.

Oh Lord, satisfy my ever swaying heart with your love that is solid and secure. You take your children places for a very specific reason, You want to see your children mature in their faith and walking in a way that is fully glorifying unto You. Your faithful and good. No mater the lie or doubt or trial that comes our way; it comes for Your glory. Where you have me now...Oh God may i seek for contentment only in You. Amen.
John Piper: "Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short."

scribbles of worship

"For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD's glory, as the waters cover the sea." Habakkuk 2:14(spelling mistake PARADISE) :)
on the cross a thief was crucified by Jesus. He said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into Your Kingdom" and He said to him, "I assure you; Today you will be with Me in paradise."
In my class tonight i learned that this word Paradise that Jesus used was not Greek or Hebrew but Persian. It means, walking with The King in His garden.
This is God's desire. The picture is beautiful! Christ said this while dying for me and you..

The Christians Greatest Need

One of my first assignments in Hermeneutics class this past semester was to read a small booklet called, The Christians Greatest Need, by E.W. Bullinger. One might think a booklet with that type of title could be boring and most likely something a Christian would already know. Yet, the way the argument was laid out and the points so clearly stated, Bullinger’s writings challenged, and continue to challenge my own spiritual walk. I would like to pull together my thoughts from what I’ve read and present what I am learning.

He begins with the verse Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, “That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him:” (Ephesians 1:17 KJV).

Our Greatest need is having “a true knowledge of God”.

One of the foundations of Christianity is faith, faith includes trust, and we don’t trust someone we don’t know, therefore, we need to get to know God. Bullinger brings out the point that we think we have faith when we say we are “willing” for God’s will, yet being “willing” is a clear sign that we do not know our great God and where we stand before Him. As we get to know Him that pitiful, selfish ‘willingness’ turns into a yearning desire for His will to be done in and through us no matter the cost. Instead of looking at ourselves and our great willingness to surrender we are turned to think of God’s perfect characteristics; His wisdom and love, these are what change our focus. This brings us into the action of desiring His Will.

Jesus himself said, “And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” (John 17:3 KJV).

How does our knowledge of God affect our day to day lives? Bullinger stated that,“This knowledge [of God] is not only the basis of trust in God; not only the foundation of Christian faith; but of Christian life.” In Paul’s letter to the Colossian church he lays it out so clearly by saying,

“For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven’t stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God.”(1:9-10 HCSB)

Therefore, if we want to please God in everything, the key is to know what pleases Him! And that is found IN HIS WORD. “This is the one great reason why the written Word is given to us. It is not given merely as a book of general information or of reference; but it is given to make known the invisible God.( Bullinger)”

Consider again our day to day lives. As we get to know God from His Word we better understand how important it is to worship Him in Spirit and truth. That is the only ‘way’ true worship goes upward to God who is Spirit. With an ignorance of who God is, public worship becomes a very dangerous thing. As we get to know God not only will our worship change but our prayers will too, “prayer is intended to humble us by putting us into the place of helplessness and dependence…with our faces in the dust before the Mighty God”. Our prayers are more and more about His will and His plan and not ours. “Oh to know the love, and power, and wisdom of our God. What a revolution it would make in our prayers, as well as our lives.” ( Bullinger)

Oh to know God our Father, yes, but also to know Jesus Christ. In Paul’s letter to the Philippi church he writes this very powerful statement, “More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them filth, so that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith. My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,”(Philippians 3:8-10 HCSB).

Do I, so highly value my knowledge of my Lord? Does my desire for the knowledge surpass suffering? “Oh, to be occupied with Christ; to have Him for our object; and His resurrection power for our lives. This we shall have; and have increasingly as we get to know Christ.” (Bullinger)

One main thought that has come to mind after this study is this, the devil is going to do anything he can to keep God’s children from getting to know Him. Without a desire to know my God and to glean from His Word I am useless for God’s kingdom and my personal faith will quickly die as I give up trusting in God, The God who longs for me to yearn after Him. As I learn to walk worthy of His calling and His Will for my life I pray the Lord plants the truths of who He is deep within me that the knowledge of Him might grow into a strong oak tree that is rooted with trust in my sovereign and sufficient God. From that place can Kingdom work be produced; a place of total dependence on knowing, but never fully knowing, who The unfathomable God is and where I stand before the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Lord said through the prophet Jeremiah, “Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: But let him that glorieth, glory in this, THAT HE UNDERSTNADETH and KNOWETH ME” (9:23,24 KJV).

Painting by Trudianne Dalton
"Matthew 10:22a : And you will be hated by all men because of My name."